Bekah's Corner

This was going to be a Facebook status, but my thought became too developed and I don’t have the brain power to formulate a concise sentence to put together everything I’m feeling right now. A blog allows me to expand my thoughts, be extremely wordy, and incorporate quotes from of some of my favorite authors. So here we are.

Recently, many of my friends have been discovering their passions and goals. Through upper level classes, cross-cultural trips, other ministry and volunteer opportunities, I have seen hearts flaring up at the mention of sex trafficking. Homelessness. Urban classroom settings. Even biology… which I don’t understand, but hey, that’s okay. When I was in India–the place where I would be most likely to see a passion stirred within my heart–I even read the following in the Mark Batterson book I’m [still] working my way through: “What makes you sad? Or what makes you mad? Supernatural sadness and righteous indignation often reveal our God-ordained passions. As in the case of Nehemiah, if something causes you to weep and mourn and fast and pray for days on end, it is a good indication that God wants you to take personal responsibility and do something about it. Anything less or anything else is irresponsible responsibility.” (Wild Goose Chase, 22) While in a country filled with sex trafficking, homelessness, and many more heartbreakers, I prayed that God would break my heart for the injustice that surrounded me. Sure, it touched my heart and I wished I could do something about it, but I never felt the tug to stay there and work with victims or spend my days on the streets of Calcutta loving the homeless. Instead, I returned to the States and prayed that God would reveal the passion I know was just winning a game of hide and seek. I expected to find it sometime before I graduated. I hoped, at least.

Well, it’s March 28th, 2012. It’s past 2 am, I’m wide awake, and I’m working on a non-academic project that has stolen my heart. I am currently typing up a proposal to take to Student Development in hopes of improving the SLA program. I could probably pull an all-nighter, glued to my chair, processing through the thoughts running a thousand miles an hour through my head as I attempt to translate them into words. I am currently a mixture of sad, glad, excited, passionate… and suddenly I realize that I don’t have to find my God-ordained passion in injustice. I can pour out my heart into the development of student programs and simply be another link in the chain. Maybe providing more formal training for SLAs would mean one of them having an opportunity next year to talk to a resident who is feeling a calling to be an advocate against human trafficking. They would be more equipped in knowing how to encourage their resident to dig into their passion and explore ways to make it happen. Sure, I may not be a front-line domino, but my piece of the puzzle fits in just like the rest. (Sorry for mixing the two metaphors–you knew where I’m going with that, though.)

AHHHHH. I’m so excited and overwhelmed right now! In an extremely good way.

This doesn’t mean my heart isn’t open to other passions and dreams and goals. Not at all. In fact, the Lord seems to present me with new opportunities to dream every single day. However, I now feel comfortable plugging my heart into something specific. I now feel ready to respond to the question of “What’s your plan for after college?” with “I would LOVE to help college students have the most fulfilling experience they can while at school.”

Batterson writes, “There is a link between goodness and gladness when we are pursuing the passions God puts in our hearts. God wants us to delight in what we do.” (23) I am certainly feeling the delight, and it’s hard for me to admit that I should save the proposal and call it quits for the night.

I honestly don’t know what the next step is from here. My advisor is working on getting me plugged into Student Development for my internship next year, which would be perfect. I don’t see coincidence anywhere in the fact that this passion is blooming just as we’re working with SDL to set up a potential internship. I would love prayer… just pray that the pieces continue to come together in their time. I know God can sometimes show up as a youngster who runs up and crashes into the table which bounces around all the pieces you’ve already “laid  in place.” But even if He does, I’m okay with it. I’m just excited to see the next step from here. I haven’t felt so confident about anything major-related since the evening I sat on the concrete floor in WG with Sally–the conversation which confirmed my switch out of the EDU department. This is good. This is God.

…yeah, I think I would have maxed out my limit on a Facebook status.

This morning, after a refreshing cup of coffee and a delicious breakfast, I took a detour from my mission to shower and get ready for the day and instead took a step outside. One inhaled breath of the sweet, spring morning air, and I was hooked. I literally felt glued to the bench on the front porch as my brain wouldn’t stop spinning–thoughts of thankfulness, unconditional grace, sacrificial love–they flooded my mind as I looked around at the beautiful creation before me. Sure, I was in a subdivision so there were man-made developments in every direction. But there was much more than houses, vehicles, and sidewalks. The spaces between those things–that’s where I saw Jesus this morning.

It is currently 63 degrees and absolutely gorgeous outside. The late morning sunshine is accompanied by a slight wind just crisp enough to make you shiver. In a good way, though. Perhaps it was this combination that reminded me how long it’s been since I felt truly thankful. Sure, I continually thank God for His blessings and tell those I love how thankful I am for them. But in comparison to what? Am I thankful for what I have been given like I am thankful for salvation? When was the last time I really opened my eyes and became grateful for all that is around me. It’s there because God allowed His Son to die on the cross. For me. He turned His face away during the death of His Son. For me.

Just let that soak in for a moment.

I am continually in awe of nature. There is just something so creative about a sunset. There is something so gentle and comforting about sitting on a front porch, feeling the wind stroke your face and twirl around your toes. And even though the sky wasn’t full of glorious colors at 10:30 a.m., it still proudly wore its own beauty. The verse that wouldn’t stop running through my mind was “The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth His handywork.” Well, that’s the KJV version I learned in high school. As beautiful as the King James translation is, I chose to look up the rest of that Psalm in NIV when I came inside. Let these words wrap around your heart,

“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they reveal knowledge. They have no speech, they use no words; no sound is heard from them. Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world. In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun. It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, like a champion rejoicing to run his course. It rises at one end of the heavens and makes its circuit to the other; nothing is deprived of its warmth.” [Psalm 19:1-6]

Of course I would be up at 2 a.m. on spring break, after Marcia and I tucked ourselves into separate beds in separate rooms, pulling out my laptop because my brain is still running, and looking through websites such as Pinterest and weddinggawker. I can’t help it, though. Today we decided to drive the town and not do much else, which was actually pretty nice. We did stop in David’s Bridal and set up an appointment for tomorrow; at noon we will be meeting with a consultant to start narrowing down the search for Marcia’s perfect wedding dress! I posted a status about our stop there today and it ended with “Is this real life?” I just don’t feel like I should be in a place in life where I can say “my best friend is getting married and I’m helping her plan. I’m with her through the dress hunt. I’m asking her questions and helping her process things.” Talk about crazy!

*Just a note, to make this clear, I am NOT planning for my own wedding. Despite the four engagements that have happened this weekend, Ring by Spring fever has not hit Aaron and I, and I promise you it won’t. There has been some question about that so I felt the need to clarify. I simply enjoy looking through wedding ideas just as much as any other girl.

Besides the wedding dress excitement today, break has been pretty chill so far. Kind of strange, though, for a few different reasons. Using a map to find your way around town. Relaxing in a house that isn’t quite a home yet. Baking and cooking and experimenting in the kitchen while I have access to almost any culinary resource I need, though I don’t know where things are yet. (My favorite recipes so far have been the taco braid and the Nutella lava cookies–the recipes are on my Pinterest board if you want to check them out!) I haven’t done much homework, but I really need to buckle down on that tomorrow.

At this point I would normally start talking about the time we have left here and how it doesn’t seem like much, but that is putting an expectation on the next two days–assuming they are going to fly by. If that happens, I won’t appreciate them to their fullest potential. Therefore, I’ll end this quicky spring break update blog by saying, I am really enjoying the time off school, even if I’m staying at my parents’ house. Even if I’m sleeping on the couch and I feel like I have to fold the blankets when I wake up in the morning. Even if I have no idea where anything is and being here makes me antsy about adulthood. It’s a “day at a time” process and I am going to enjoy each day of the journey.

I’m thinking it’s sleepy time. Even with my nightly residence being the living room couch, I am blessed to be home for break.

I am officially claiming it spring at the Arbor. Today was one of those days where your memory just skips over the mishaps (such as the moment I realized my coffee had spilled inside my backpack, all over my textbooks and other belongings) and focuses on the sunshine. The windy, yet warm, weather. The shorts and capris and flip flops. The joyful attitude of spring and the emergent hope for continued 60 degree days. I have to say, I was thrilled to be able to wear (and somehow pull off) a denim shirt tucked into beachy capris, and sport my first pair of flip flops for the season. There were students on blankets attempting homework on the plaza. I heard complaints around campus, not because of the DC food or midterm studying, but because other commitments were preventing them from going outside. Walking across campus, I saw many people playing volleyball or frisbee golf or going on walks with friends.

It was just lovely.

Two weeks early, but I don’t care. I officially declare spring to be here. Spring break is only two days away and it is trying to come prematurely through my attitude. I haven’t been able to do any homework today. Fortunately I only have a take-home test due tomorrow night, and besides that I have nothing else that needs to be done before break. And even that will get done, even if it’s at 3 p.m. tonight. Tomorrow I get to sleep IN, because Research Design is cancelled, and I am so excited. I’ve been reading The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis, and I absolutely love it (with fresh coffee stains and all.) It puts a lot of thoughts which have been going through my mind into a tangible form by an author I respect. I’ll blog more about the book later–I’m only a few chapters in right now. I’m looking forward to waking up at 9, making some coffee, spending some time in Lewis and the Word, and then getting ready to have lunch with my bald-headed boy at 11. Yes, friends, the dreads are gone. My shaved sweetheart now has to wear a hat, or else his head will get cold. I’m actually getting used to them, for those of you who know my distinct fear of change. And I can’t lie, I’m acxtually starting to like it…

Well friends, I’m off to WAVE worship service, and then hopefully buckling down on that take-home test. It has been a lovely first day of what I claim to officially be spring. I’m hoping tomorrow will be just as nice, but knowing Michigan it won’t be. Either way–God is good, and there is always hope in a new day.

“In the long run it is perhaps even more apparent in our growing–for it ought to be growing–awareness that our whole being by its very nature is one vast need; incomplete, preparatory, empty yet cluttered, crying out for Him who can unite things that are now knotteed together and tie up things that are still dangling loose.” -Lewis

I remember that last entry of my weathered and weary journal that tagged along in my backpack as I traveled around the most densely-populated country in the world. My handwriting was messier than usual with the combination of flight turbulence and excitement over the fact that home less than 18 hours away. I distinctly remember writing, “I will miss India, some day.” At the time I was over-cultured and the Indian smog had created such a thick glaze over my eyes that I knew I just needed to be in a familiar, comfortable place again. But I also knew that one day, I would reach the point where the memory of that smog and that culture would be the comfort I yearned for.

And that day has come.

I never imagined it coming so early, however. I figured maybe this summer after I finished out the semester, or perhaps next year as the Market Day approached and Jen was getting ready to introduce India to a whole new group of students. Never did I think that less than six weeks after our return home would my heart be longing for India again. Never did I imagine having the strange desire for hard beds and helpless street beggers and the strange inconsistency of smells one breaths in while walking the streets of Calcutta. Not this quickly, at least. But yesterday my heart wanted nothing more than to be back there.

I’m sure this feeling was prompted by the many India-related happenings of my day. It was Focus, and I began the day by attending Jen’s workshop on India and the Caste system. I had experienced it all before–the IJM video, the pictures of dirty children and busy streets, the facts about human trafficking and the different Castes. But for some reason, sitting in a room with about half of our team, listening to our professor share the hidden secrets of a country in need of so much love and prayer, it took me back. Big time. Later that afternoon I had a chance to catch up with Jen which ended up being a two-hour coffee date in the library. Honestly, we didn’t even talk about India all that much. I think just re-experiencing her unconditional joy and encouragement, and learning more about her perspective on life, reminded me how rewarding the experience was because of her leadership.

Many other things triggered my India senses yesterday: wearing a Sari Bari scarf. Running into most of my India teammates. Seeing Kate about three times and talking about deciding to plan a sleepover with the India girls. The day ended by having a conversation with Aaron about his burden to go to India. He still might apply for Jordan, and he’s still considering Cambodia, but I think his heart captures many of the same desires of my own. I love that he’s wanting to go there. Not because he’s my boyfriend and it would be cool for him to go on the same trip, and not only because I would be able to “live vicariously through him” if he were to go in two years. But from what I know about his servant’s heart and deep desire to love people and be challenged, I think this would be a good fit for him. To hear him say that he’s planning on waiting until senior year so he can go to India was really exciting.

And now, Thursday morning, I can’t stop thinking about how much I miss that place. Everything we experienced was overwhelming. At the time I had moments when I just wanted a breath of fresh air from it all–literally and figuratively. By the final few days, I became sick of the food and annoyed with the people and uncomfortable with pretty much everything. But you never know what you have until it’s gone, and I am now starting to see the hole in my heart that was formed when I entered that first return flight to Amsterdam.

Sure, I have wonderful memories which I can re-experience through souvenirs, pictures, and conversations with my teammates. I have a child I now sponsor through ICCM–his name is Akshya–who I can pray for and support for many years to come. I have an aching in my heart to be back there someday. And that is what I am holding onto. That sense of peace knowing that at the top of my bucket list is a return trip to a country that I am starting to realize has changed my life.

I would give anything to be back there right now.